Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough?

We all wish we could do more. But don't let yourself feel bad about that.

Welcome to Not a Doctor, the only newsletter about health and science that works best late at night.

I’m Melody Schreiber, a journalist and the editor of What We Didn’t Expect. I’m not a doctor, or a scientist, or really an expert of any kind. I just like to ask questions and try to find the answers to them.

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Above all, be kind

Last night at 10 pm, I set down my laptop, stretched, and headed into the kitchen to wash the dishes. As I worked, my brain kept up that running commentary of everything else I needed to do.

There’s one article in particular that I meant to write months ago, and I started getting frustrated with myself for procrastinating. What would my editor think of the delay? I’d promised the source their story would be told; did they still believe me? Why couldn’t I simply finish this story about suicide?

And that’s when I realized what I was doing. I can think of several good reasons I can’t dive into a story about mental health right now. Someday soon, but not today. Probably not tomorrow, either.

Even if I hadn’t lost loved ones recently, there’s still a lot of stress in the world. Every single person is amazing for getting anything done every single day. Every day that we survive is a great success.

Yet still I worry that I’m not doing enough: not working well or hard enough; not reaching out enough to loved ones who are also going through an incredibly hard time; not calling my friends to check on them (and, in many cases, their new babies) nearly enough; not enjoying the time I have with my family.

We — and “we” most certainly includes “me” — need to be gentler with ourselves. It’s okay to call up your friends and just cry. I guarantee you, you are not being a burden. We are all feeling that way, sometimes. We all wish we could do more.

Photo: Colin Hansen

It doesn’t matter what you’ve lost — if it’s a loved one or a job, if it’s your freedom to go outside or meet friends at your favorite restaurant — we have all lost something, and it has all weighed on our hearts.

Sometimes I also find myself comparing my suffering to others. In so many ways, I am incredibly privileged, and these losses could be so much greater. For many people, they are. I am so, so lucky.

But even if you’re luckier than others, this year still sucks for a LOT of people. It’s not okay that it sucks. But it’s okay to be mad and sad about it.

And then it’s okay to try to move past those feelings and find ways to feel a little better — calling or emailing that friend who has been on your mind lately, or buying yourself some new shoes (not the most practical purchase for someone who rarely leaves the house anymore, but I REGRET NOTHING), or just sitting and having a nice cup of tea at the end of a long day.

Be kind to yourself, friends. We’re all we’ve got.

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As always, please leave a comment or email me with questions and feedback at melodyaschreiber@gmail.com.

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